Dr. John Gottman is a national expert on relationships, famous for his 50-plus years of research on marriage, divorce, and relationships. Dr. Gottman says there are four negative communication styles—Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. These communication styles typically start out small, with minor criticisms of each other, but if not addressed early in a relationship, they can become major challenges for the success of the relationship. If you and your partner are constantly arguing and struggling to resolve these arguments, look for these four communication styles.
All of these can be common challenges in a relationship and can occur at differing severity levels. It is important that if you start to see any of these negative communication styles occurring in your relationship, you begin to address them. As a marriage and family therapist, I often see people struggle to have effective communication within their relationships, and this can lead to negative communication styles and dissatisfaction with the relationship. There are a few things you can do if you are struggling to communicate with your partner.
The first step is setting boundaries, or ground rules. This is best accomplished before an argument starts and when you both can have a constructive conversation. It is important for both parties to discuss what your expectations are when a disagreement happens or an argument starts. What things are not going to be brought up, and what are each of you going to commit to doing during the conversations?
Some good things to commit to avoiding would be the four negative communication styles. Some good things to commit to when having a disagreement are:
It is vitally important that if you need to take a break, you set an agreed-upon amount of time to take a break, typically 30 minutes, and then come back and start the conversation again. Don't use a break to end a conversation and then not discuss the problem until the next argument.
When setting boundaries, it is also a good idea to set a regular check-in meeting with your partner to discuss both positive and potentially negative areas of your relationship. By setting a weekly or more often check-in with your partner, this will avoid the issue of only having an argument when one or both of you have reached your breaking point on an issue. If you wait until one or both of you are upset about an issue, you are more likely to have a heated argument that allows the four negative communication styles to occur.
The second step to improving your communication is committing to being an Active Listener. This phrase is used a lot in different professional arenas and can be an overused term. However, learning to use the skills associated with being an Active Listener is important. This starts by making a decision to not immediately react to your partner’s statements and fighting the urge to interrupt or cut off your partner’s statement because you disagree with it or feel it is erroneous. This is also not just listening to refute or argue with your partner. However, it is listening to understand what your partner is saying and what they mean.
It is using reflective dialogue, such as when your partner finishes speaking, you say, “I hear you saying that you feel ____. It is also a commitment to not just saying these sentences but ensuring your tone, body language, and facial expressions are either warm and inviting, or at least neutral.
The next step to effective communication is to use “I” Statements. This means speaking for yourself and how you feel, rather than blaming your partner or putting words into your partner’s mouth, such as “you are alway…” but rather saying “I feel ____ when this occurs, or I feel ____ when you do ____”. When you start the conversation with how you feel, instead of blaming your partner or accusing your partner of certain behavior, you have the opportunity to express yourself better.
Strong relationships are fundamental to a fulfilling life, and effective communication is the cornerstone upon which they are built. If you are finding it difficult to navigate these difficult conversations, or find yourself having the same argument over and over again without any resolution, finding a therapist who specializes in relationships can be beneficial. Relationships are hard, and when you add communication problems to the list, they can feel overwhelming. If you are feeling overwhelmed by your relationship or feel like the relationship is not what it used to be, please reach out and set up an appointment.
Taking the first step toward therapy can feel both courageous and deeply personal. Wondering what to expect from that initial appointment is completely normal – and even expected.
Read More
On "You Matter Day" and every day, remember your inherent worth. If struggling, reach out to 988 or trusted contacts. You are not alone, and help is available.
Read More
With the colder temperatures and shorter days of winter often comes changes in mood, energy and overall well-being. Maintaining a routine and stayin connected are two ways you can support your mental health in winter.
Read MoreWhen you need local health information from a trusted source, turn to the CHI Health Better You eNewsletter.